Lament of a Mom

I am beyond disappointed with my eldest child lately. How can I help her if she herself doesn't try her best? She's a smart girl but lately she's been so lazy doing her own stuff. She used to get high grades the previous years, now, it seems impossible. She doesn't do her assignment if not being told, doesn't answer her book properly if I don't get mad and most of the time, doesn't write her assignments in her notebook and all she reasoned out was: I Forgot!

She knows very well I will loose my patience if she does all those things but until now she kept doing it. I can't help but scold her and said a lot of insults because I was frustrated already. It's like she became rebellious and rude. She may cry today but the next week she will do all the things that pissed me off! I so hated to scold her but I can't help it, she's really giving me a headache.

When she got low grade in her Filipino and also math, I had her tutored. Her strength were English, Science, Computer subjects and others so I was not quite bothered in these areas. But last night, to my horror, I saw a lot of low scores in her science book and some she didn't even bother to answer! She may have aced her long test by getting a perfect score in science, she may have answered her oral tests but her books says otherwise. It will surely pull her grades down. And her reason for not answering? She felt drowsy. The rest, she told me it's not going to be recorded. But I don't believe her. Maybe some pages will not be recorded but I'm sure others are!

She also had science test today but she only informed me last night and to think they were already told the previous day that they will have a test. I didn't see the reminder in her notebook because she wrote it in her cellphone! I don't even bother to read her phone. And she didn't even tell me!

I feel so frustrated, so disappointed that my effort to help her were not utilized. I mean how can I help her if she does not also help herself? How can I approach a person if in the end she tried to block you? And if I'm talking to her about the consequences of getting low grades or if I am talking to her about how I felt about it, she instead talk back raise her voice as if she's the mother. How would I react? Of course against my will, I cannot help but scold her. Worst scenario is I pinched her or slap her leg. I cannot help it anymore and I know I will always be a bad mother for doing this.

I swear I prayed and prayed for her and it's as if my prayers were not answered. But why it should be? The person I'm praying for definitely doesn't pray at all.

I am not actually asking her of a perfect grade but a least give me a good and passable score in all her subjects. Yes, she's an honor student since 1st grade but starting last year she acquired this bad habit of always forgetting and trying to provoke me.

Now, it seems everything is getting worst. I don't even know how to deal with her anymore. The only thing I could think of is to confiscate or ground her for using gadgets.

Maybe I am just too strict but I kept telling her I will not scold her for no reason at all. And she knows so well what are the things that made me angry yet she's doing it over and over again. She's only in 6th grade. I am horrified to look into the future where she will turn worst.

Even at home she seldom helps me unless I asked her to. Even when she does things she kept on whining. It's only when I get sick that she tried to assist. Sometimes, I feel I don't know her anymore.

Despite all the things I poured out in here, I still love her because she's my daughter and she came from me. I hope one day she realizes all my sacrifices for her. I gave up everything for my children and even spent so much just to give them good education. I hope they will also try their best because that's what I only asked from them especially with my eldest.

I know I am not perfect, I am not even a role-model because I said a lot of things when I am mad. But I know I am not a bad mother because all I care is them. I wish my eldest sees that. But right now she's too blind to see but that's okay. But I hope realization comes soon because I am not getting any younger and I feel like I'm getting sick every time I scolded her. I feel like I could not breath and my heart crushed like I might not be able to move.

I prayed so hard for my kids to grow up into respectful and God-fearing ladies. But right now, I don't know if these were heard at all. I am beyond hurt and disappointed and it's only thru here that I want to pour my heart out. My blog may be a public venue but I'm sure I've few readers here so at least only a few will know. I don't want to embarrass my child or myself further that's why I opted not to post in fb or instagram but only here.

And I'd much appreciate it if you could pray for us... I guess we need that from other people. And thank you for your understanding, for not judging me (us) and for including us in your prayer.

I still hope that one day, realizations will come to the both of us.